Blown away but also confused

Dear Mark and Mentor Bill,

I am very grateful for the hope that Neothink has already given me and it has helped me through what has turned into a very dark time. I will explain and try to be as brief as possible.

I did not choose wisely when I chose a wife. It officially ended in July but was over long before that. I inherited debt in my name that I am striving to pay off. I have learned that you can’t rescue someone, no matter how much you may want to, and I have studied hard to ensure I don’t make the same mistake again, and sadly I have made it before.

There was a merger dissolution at my job. I still give my old supervisor time and we call it a “working interview”; he pays me some when he can to help me get to where I was financially before the merger dissolution that the unemployment does not cover. I have used the mini-day principle there to make things slow down a bit so I make fewer mistakes, but this is not my Friday Night Essence and I know it.

Between the stress of my job and the failing marriage and the stagnation of my life, I had some health conditions aggravated and discovered some others. I have always struggled with depression and found out I had ADD as well. It explained a lot for me and my life made a lot more sense after that. I was given medications to help the brain chemical imbalances the produce these. But I had to wean myself off of them because I lost my insurance and could not afford to get them any more. It was in this state that I read Miss Annabelle’s Secrets (I got it late and that really turned out to be fortuitous.) I can assure you I cried a lot reading that book but it really helped me as I am trying to make a lot of adjustments I have had to. (It was much easier to handle these brain chemical imbalances with medication, for example, but now that I know what I am up against and have learned much better how to cope with them, I believe I can make it.)

I finished Pax NTas well, took the test at the end, and got a 97. (Allow me to say that I think we really need to work as hard as we can get rid of the anticivilization and tap into the power of the universal consciousness Zons elsewhere have used and bring back Dr. Wallace and his wife and all the other wonderful people we have lost, and whatever I can do to help I will gladly do.)

I don’t want to sound like a mope with this, but I have a question that’s really going to determine the rest of my life, and I think my present circumstances explained will show you why I am asking it.

I know what my Friday Night Essence is. I have known for a long time. I have always played music (a thank you to my mother and grandparents) and as I have always seriously struggled with the depression and almost succumbed to it in my late teens, I was very grateful to have survived. I had a couple of near-death experiences in that following year and had some survivor’s guilt as a result. I thought to myself, Why is it that I have survived and gotten second and third chances when so many others more selfless and giving than myself did not even get one? I considered this, and considered that I had been very selfish with my life. I needed to try and help others if I could. I was not very social; I was different and so I had always withdrawn from people rather than try and reach out to them. But I knew about music – it was the thing I loved and hated; I came to terms with it and accepted I had a gift with it. I could write songs and perform them that would give people hope – the hope and the little extra they needed to keep going after their Friday Night Essences (but I did not call it that then) and find fulfillment in their lives. I still am not there. I have gotten discouraged at times, listened to the whole “you-can’t-make-a-living-making-music” crowd and I married two women I should not have. One was even very sweet, but you can’t rescue anyone and if you are going to marry someone as an artist of any kind, your partner has to be able to back you all the time. Lip service or back-and-forth won’t cut it. So here is my question and I’m sorry to be so long-winded but I don’t think it could be helped: What do you do with someone who already knows what their Friday Night Essence is but just needs help to get there? I know what I have to do. I also know I can’t get there collecting unemployment and rationing my food. Whenever I think of going for this and not looking back, I keep coming back to having to get my time back and the time going to the dead-end job going to the music instead, so I can write more, get better, whatever it takes. I know what, and I know why, but I still can’t figure out how. I know I have to make more changes, but with my different way of thinking I can and have missed things. Is there anything I can do to serve my fellow society members and make my living making music, or at least access a way I haven’t considered so I can transition to that and give the best I have to give? You have my e-mail; I have been trying for years to break this chain and Neothink coming into my life has clarified why. I could really use your feedback and know something different has to be done for me to advance at all. Please let me know and thanks for giving me a place to ask this.

Sincerely,

Tim Holstad